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작성자  simonshin 작성일  2016.11.01 18:57 조회수 935 추천 0
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 13장 발제문 (장크리스 연구원) - PLAY FULL OUT  
첨부파일 : f1_20161101185720.pdf
 
 과목:  Formation of a Professional Life Coach

주제:  PLAY FULL OUT

지도 교수: 신현근 박사(simonhkshin@gmail.com)

추천 링크: http://club.koreadaily.com/icclifecoach

발제자: 장크리스 (icpa@gmail.com)

교재:  Williams, P. & Menendez, D. S. (2015). Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute for Life Coach Training (2nd Ed.). New York and London: W. W. Norton & Company.

 PLAY FULL OUT

 

Peter Block (1999) was right when he said, “If you can’t say ‘ no ‘ , your ‘ yesses’ don’t mean a thing. “.

In coaching, we are the instruments. This is also true of our clients – their lives are their instruments.

When we look at self as an instrument, our commitment becomes to live and to use ourselves as fully and richly as possible. That is what we mean by playing full out (Ellis & Lankowits 1995 )

We do not want to restrict ourselves to half of our range.

To play full out requires us to make great choices and stay conscious while doing so.

It also means taking responsibility for the choices we make and have made.

Through exercising our power of choice, we create the kind of life we want.

 

코칭에서 우리는 “ instrument “우리의 clients들의 삶도 그들의 instruments.

“ Play pull out “ 잘하기 위해서 어떤 선택을 하고, 하는 동안 의식에 머무른다. 어떻게 “ No “ 것인가

우리가 만들고 만든 선택에 대한 책임을 의미하고 우리 선택의 power 연습을 통해 우리가 원하는 삶이 창조된다.

 

BEING AT CHOICE  선택하는

 

1.       Early on in the development of coaching as a profession, the phrase “Be at full choice in your life “ began to appear frequently in writing and teaching.

2.       In coaching, we believe that to be at full choice in our life means that (a) we examine our choices fully, (b) we are deliberate – we are choosing consciously, and (c) we are being responsive, not reactive to what is going on.

3.       What role does choice play in the situations where we play small versus the situations in which we play full out ?

1)       To play full out means that we play the game of life – or whatever we do – fully and richly. We bring out all. We play big, like the dolphin – only fun for all.

2)       In Tuesdays with Morrie (Albom 1997), Morrie played full out. He drew his philosophy from a quote sometimes attributed to Mark Twain; “ Live like there’s only today, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching. – have fun, be joyful, take ourselves and others lightly.

3)       The Dalai Lama exhibits this kind of playfulness – a quality of lightness and joy.

Despite the fact that the Chinese devastated his monastery home and practiced genocide on many of his people, he forges them. He is light and even giggles frequently.

  **       The Story of Rose

“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age ( 87 ^^ ) ? “  - I was curious as to what motivated her to take on this challenge at her age.

“ I always dreamed of having a college education, and now I’m getting one!”

 

We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing .

There are only four secrets to staying young.

One is being happy. Another is achieving success. You also have to laugh and find humor everyday. And you’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so may people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it.

There is huge difference between growing older and growing up.

The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.

Have no regrets. The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for the things we did not to do.  The only people who fear death are those with regrets.

 

At the year’s end, Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation, rose died peacefully in her sleep.  Over 2,000 college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught, by example, it is never too late to be all you can possibly be.

Remember, growing old is mandatory – growing up is optional.

 

 

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK OR PLURK ( play while you work )

How would our lives be different if we plurked instead of just worked?

그냥 일하는 대신 일하면서 play 한다면 우리 삶은 어떻게 다를까?

Coaches and other helping professionals often report that Fun and Play are two of their lowest-rated areas on the Wheel of Life – for coaches and clients alike.

Perhaps it is because work has taken over many professionals’ lives in a way that leaves little time for fun and play.

We have become human doings instead of human beings. We also speculate that the kind of work people do has a pervasive influence on their attitudes. Psychologists, counselors, nurses, and other helping professionals often work daily with people whose situations are dire.

After spending 8 to 10 focused on what the Buddha called the 10,000 sorrows of life, it is easy to forget the other half of the Buddha’s statement: 10,000 joys.

Making time for play requires real excellence at saying no if our fun and play quota is low. Address the imbalance by examining the places in our life we say yes when saying no might be more beneficial.

 

PLAY & BEING AT CHOICE BOTH REQUIRE GOOD BOUNDARIES

 

1.       Boundaries are the borders we create around ourselves by the limits we set – limits around time, whom we let into our life, and the activities we allow to take up our attention and time.

2.       They are the imaginary lines that tell people how close they can come to us and what they can expect.

3.       Good boundaries allow us to spend our time and energy wisely.

4.       Boundaries put us in charge by allowing us to consciously choose what we allow inside our life.

Ex) She decided she was willing to stay a half hour later at the office to be free and focused at home.

                         Her decision not to take work home meant she was drawing a boundary around her home life,

                         which kept work from leaking into it. Yes, it was hard. And, it was worth it.

 

Boundaries Create Safety and Protection

 

1.       Boundaries are a fundamental tool for keeping us safe and supporting our well-being.

2.       If we were parented well, we learned how to make our boundaries tight and steadfast, and to resist people who were boundary invaders. We learned how to keep ourselves safe and well.

3.       Saying no helps children feel powerful and set limits – it is the natural foundation for independence.

Saying no and establishing boundaries give us power.

4.        So why as adults are we often afraid to say no? “ no “ 하기를 두려워하는가?

Stop immediately – you have no choice! . “No“ was a signal that we were either unsafe at the moment or that what we were doing, and who we were being, was unacceptable.

“No “ was a sign of rejection, a signal we were not okay as we were.

When we were young, rejection meant being cut off from the love and caring that sustained us. We could lose everything we had.

5.       We become afraid to say no – afraid of losing a client, being rejected, or being disliked.

When we avoid saying no once, it seems like a small thing. When it becomes a habit, we are in trouble.

 

Keep Tight Boundaries

Boundaries 지키는 것이 얼마나 중요한가 keep tight..

 

1.       Whenever we say yes when we should say no, we allow someone to invade our boundaries.

·         When we say yes to the demand, we are really saying no to ourselves. For that moment, we make the other person more important than ourselves.

·         Worse yet, when we say yes to something to which we want to say no, we cheapen our word. – our ability to say yes is only as good and viable as our willingness to say no – saying no means that we are grounded.

·         Most important is that we will regain respect for ourselves.

 

2.       People do not always respect others who set clear boundaries.

·         If they just want, the situation is an opportunity to set a boundary and disengage.

·         It is our responsibility to recognize the people and situations that do and do not nourish us, and take appropriate action.

·         We cannot ever expect another person to be fully looking out for our best interests and take care of us – that is our job. If we’d not it, it will not get done.

·         Once we recognize our need for healthy boundaries and create them, we are better able to respect other people’s boundaries. We are better equipped to recognize that everyone, not just us, has a right to boundaries.

 

3.       When working with clients on issues related to boundaries, we use several metaphors that we once used with counseling clients.

When work with coaching clients on boundaries from these perspective:

·         Boundaries are the limits we set around who and what we allow to get close to us. They define our safety zones, delineating what is out of bounds for us and unacceptable, and what is inbounds and acceptable.

·         Boundaries define who we are and how we live. They define who we are and who we are not.

·         When we have tight, strong boundaries, we attract people who have similar boundaries and consequently can maintain them well. When our boundaries are weak, we attract people who also have weak boundaries. They can show up as needy people who deplete our energy and whom we eventually tire of.

 

4.       Clients must have good boundaries. Recall that boundaries create freedom.

·         Many spiritual teaching point to the truth of this – in order to give, you must be sufficiently full.

·         Do not give like a pipe: it is open at both ends and never remains full.  Give like an overflowing cup. The cup never runs out, but the over flow is available to given to others.

·         As pat Williams and Lloyd Thomas wrote in their book, Total Life Coaching, “When you establish healthy boundaries, you feel more secure. You level of anxiety lowers and you strengthen that trust you have in yourself, in others and in the world” ( Williams & Thomas 2005, P. 55 )

·         We believe that in order to have three things in place, all of which are related: ( a) good boundaries, ( b) high standards, which when combined and done well, help us ( c ) create integrity.

 

EXERCISES ON BOUNDARIES

 

Most clients need to set tighter boundaries and higher standards in order to give themselves more room, freedom, and choice in order to create the life they really want to live.

Playing full out means different things to different people: it can mean pursuing excellence, having a sense of urgency, taking risks, keeping things in perspective, working smarter instead of harder, or consciously choosing how hard to play.

 

Journal Inquires

 

1.       What are one or two places in your life where you are playing small instead of paying big? What is that about?

2.       What are the rules you learned about work and play?

3.       For many clients rules about play and work are tied together. Many say that play can occur only after work is done.

Consequently, clients need to be vigilant in setting good boundaries to ensure that they get to play.

 

Play full Out

 

1.       To balance the interplay between working hard and playing hard, consider that playing hard requires letting go. It requires us to examine our lives, notice what we can change, and accept what we cannot.

2.       Playing means going with the flow. If clients can detach from the need to win and the fear of losing, they free themselves to play full out. They can compete fiercely, but in a spirit of play and flow.

3.       Letting go and lightening up require clients to examine their roles – work, family, community, and so on, and to commit to putting their soul before their role.

4.       Clients are asked to rewrite their personal equation for happiness so they can move beyond whatever their current equation is, such as defining their happiness by possessions or their role (My car, being a perfect parent).

We want them to rewrite the equation as : My happiness = my happiness.

 

EXERCISE 13.1

 

Journal Exercise (Disidentification)

 

I have a great job, but I am not my job…

The client can emerge from the exercise with the awareness that they used to believe their happiness depended on their list.

They can choose to be happy by separating from all they have. Happiness is a way of being; it does not depend on having.

 

EXERCISE 13.2

 

Taking a Risk : Costs and Benefits 대가와 이익

 

This exercise asks clients to identify something they have been attracted to, something they would love to do but have chosen not to because they are afraid.

·         In the prompts that follow, identify first what you would love to do. Then list the benefits and costs of choosing not to take this action.

·         How might making the choice to take this action help you to play full out?

-          Identify two situations or people in your life that you experience as disempowering. For each situation, identify the consequences of your feeling of disempowerment.

Situation                              Why Disempowering

-          List three to five places in your life where you need to set better (stronger, tighter, or clearer) boundaries. ( your time, health, relationships, finances, and spirit ) These might be places where you need to say no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself.

 

EXERCISE 13.3

 

Setting a Tighter Boundary

 

Do the following exercise using one of the situations you listed as disempowering. Name a boundary that you now hold that you could tighten.

1.       What would a tighter boundary look like, and how would it function?

2.       Examine needs and values issues around setting this boundary.

3.       What standard would you set for yourself to make that tighter boundary work?

4.       What part does this new standard play in helping you maintain your integrity?

 

Keeping Boundaries Tight

1.       Be clear about your limits. No one has the right to make demands of you as long as you are not causing harm or breaking the law.

2.       Exercise your freedom to choose. When you cannot choose to say no to others or when you take on other people’s troubles, you probably are not free to make choices in any part of your life.

3.       Set tight boundaries and attract great people. Tight boundaries keep out needy and demanding people.

4.       Say no when you mean no.

5.       Be willing to hold a courageous conversation if needed to reinforce your boundaries. The gold is to teach them to respect your boundaries.

** Inform them that their behavior is violating a boundary or limit of yours. Request that they stop. If they still persist, require that they stop. Terminate the relationship if the boundary violation continues.

 

A PRIMER ON SAYING NO GRACEFULLY

 

One a day – to – day basis, most of us violate our won boundaries by saying yes when we really want to say no.

1.       Saying no to trivial requests gives meaning to the things we say yes to, both for ourselves and for others who make requests of us.

2.       Saying no allows us to set and keep good boundaries in order to honor our commitments to ourselves and others.

3.       Saying no wisely creates space and time for us so we have the energy to create what we really want for ourselves.

4.       Stephen Covey knew this really well. As he said “it is easy to say ‘ no ‘ when there is a greater ‘ yes” 9 1989, p 156 ) . Saying no is key to saying on track and on purpose.

 

 

Saying the Graceful “ No “

 

Cultivating an ability to say no is not the same as becoming one of those people whose first answer to every new idea is “NO.”

We all benefit by giving ourselves the time and freedom to generate new ideas of our own and create new ways of being and doing.

Each of the sections presents situations where a “no“ is appropriate, followed by suggestions about how to say it.

 

1.       How to Say No When Someone Suggests Something You Would Like to Consider

Response: “This sounds like something that may before me, and I’ve just committed to sticking to three other priorities right now. Will you come back in 90 days and give me another chance to look at this opportunity with you ?

 ** Telling the truth – you really do see an opportunity for yourself. Do not use this one when you really do not want to do what is being asked. You will just have to say no twice. Worse yet, you will have intentionally mislead the other person.

 

2.       How to Say No When the Timing is Just Not Right

Response: “ I wish I could, but it’s just not possible right now. Thank you for thinking of me. “

** Your no is based on the timing of the request. Thanking the requester really helps in this situation. Be sincere. Because you acknowledge your thanks, the person will think of you again when similar opportunities arise.

 

3.       How to Say No When You Have Other Priorities

Response: “This year my priorities are very few and very focused. I won’t be able to squeeze this one in.”

** You will be in good company if you say a graceful no because you have other priorities.

-          You might say: “this isn’t a good time for me to do that. I have other commitment. I’ll let you know if I can spend time on it later “ “what a wonderful invitation, but I’m just stretched too much to accept it.“

-          Remember you do not have to share your priorities with the other person. You have a right to your priorities – without any justification.

-          We suggest you practice saying each of these graceful “no“ lines until you become comfortable hearing yourself say them.

-          Once you have mastered the basic ways to say no, you are ready for the “black belt “skills. When you do these well, you will be a master of the graceful “no “.

 

4.       How to Say No New York – Style

-          This one is a favorite, learned from a playwright in New York City who used it with actors asking for roles in his shows. It works best with people who seem to make endless demands of you with great persistence.

-          You say, “Gosh, I really wish I could, but it’s just … impossible “

-          If, however, they ask, “Why? “do this “Well, it’s… just impossible. I wish I could say ‘yes‘ but I simply cannot.

-          Why does this work? The requestor has nothing to argue with. You haven’t lied, and he or she will fill in the blank with whatever awful thing happened to you that they would have difficulty talking about.

-          Remember, you do not need to give a reason why. The truth is, it usually is not their business. We are often just trying to justify our decision to ourselves.

 

5.       How to Say No if You’re Asked to Do Something That Goes Against Your Values or Values-driven Priorities

-           A next best choice is to make a sincere comment about your commitment to the results you are focused on achieving, for example:

-          “I must commit all my time to ------------ It’s what is most important to me right now. “

“Although I’m saying no to your request, I want you to know how much I value you as a colleague. “

Or “Sorry, I’m unable to do that. Or “I’ll have to say no to that, but might I suggest -------------?”

-          In last case, you’ve given the person a gift of your creativity by suggesting another way he or she might handle the need.

 

6.       How to Say No When You’re Asked to Do Something for Free That You Usually Charge for Doing

-          You may be one of those people who is asked to speak or contribute your consulting or services for free.

When it does not, say something like this:

-          “ I do pro bono work on a limited basis, and that time has already been committed for this year. Would you please like be put on the waiting list for ---- months/ years from now? I can do that. “

-          Most people do not plan that far in advance. Consequently, they end up having to say no to your suggestion.

 

7.       How to Say No When Someone continues to Ask You Repeatedly for Free Advice

-          After an ongoing fee- paying relationship ends, you give away your services. If you do not want to continue to do that, you might respond with something like this:

-          “ I feel awkward helping you at this point because I feel I’m being unfair to my paying clients. Let’s put together a list of things I can really help you with and see how we can work together. “

-          That usually will end the “for free “requests once and for all.

 

EXERCISE 13.4

 

Where Do You Need to Say No Right Now ?

1.       Identify the places in your life where you see the need to say no. These are places where you need tighter boundaries.

2.       “What would I be willing to say yes to in this case ?

3.        “If there is something you are willing to do, say it. Choose wisely – only what you are willing to do and can do gracefully, without resentment.

 

Summary

 

1.        This chapter has focused on the connection between maintaining good boundaries and the freedom to choose that comes with them. Choosing means creating the possibility of playing full out, having fun, and creating a balanced life   좋은 경계를 관리하는 것과 선택의 자유 사이의 연결에 초점을 두었다선택은 play full out, having fun, 그리고 balance 삶을 영위하는 가능성을 창조, 작성하는 것을 의미한다.

2.       Many clients come into coaching around the challenge of maintaining life balance. They will need to examine and rework boundaries in order to attain balance.

내담자들은Life balance 유지하는 도전을 위해 코칭에 온다. 그들은 balance 균형을 얻기 위해 boundaries 검토하고 다시 작업 필요하다.

3.       Helping professionals often think boundaries are dealt with in therapy. We have found that the most severe cases of boundary violations – situations involving abuse or trauma – do in fact usually require a therapeutic intervention. However, human beings need to reexamine and re-create their boundaries throughout  their lives.

Abuse trauma 상황 boundary violations 아주 심각한 경우는 therapeutic intervention 보통 요구되지만 인간은 재검토하고 자신의 삶을 통해 자신의 경계들을 재작성 해야 한다.

4.       Consequently, coaches need to be able to work effectively with boundaries. They also need to recognize when a client’s old boundary issues may not have been dealt with sufficiently and require therapy. At those times, a referral is in order.

코치들은 경계들을 효과적으로 작동할 있어야 한다. 그들은 내담자의 오래된 경계 문제들이 충분히 처리되지 않을 있을 인식이 필요하고 치료가 요구된다. 시간에는 추천이 순서이다.


 
 
 
 
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